How have the mothers before us done it?

8.20.2013

Today, I am weak. I am heartbroken. I am angry. I am frustrated. I am hopeless.

I want to cry. Scream. Punch something. Hug someone. Run away to an island inhabited by me and me alone.

I  have a 14-month-old cute little boy at the foot of my bed, where I lay typing, screaming, red-faced and pathetic, clawing angrily at his elbow creases and drawing blood.

I give up.

You might think I should be doing something about it. I don't know what else there is to do anymore. So I sometimes let him claw at himself. I think deep down inside, I hope that he will figure out he's hurting himself. He never does, though. The urge to scratch must be so intense.

Since starting GAPS, things haven't gotten any better. They've at least uncovered some issues we didn't know we had, but they haven't made things better. The issues uncovered have made life much harder, actually. We now know he's allergic to eggs and mushrooms. And blueberries. Every new food that has been introduced in the last week or two has been met with projectile vomiting and usually hives/swelling, in fact. His eczema always flares.

This morning I tried some pears. It seems benign enough. I boiled them, but within a few minutes (and no more than two tiny bites of pear) he was screaming and his arms were bleeding from his clawing. So I took him down from the table, hungry as always, clueless about what to feed him.

My little guy is going to waste away. He can't eat anything. So far the only thing I have found that doesn't induce screaming and clawing is ground beef and broccoli. Can someone survive on ground beef and broccoli for every meal, every day?

Needless to say, because he can't eat almost any food, he is nursing non-stop. And I am so tired. I hate to admit it, but I want to be done so badly. I feel like I am being quite literally sucked dry. Sucked dry of energy, sucked dry of any time for myself. I am demanded of all day, every day. From the intensity of this diet which requires I make 100% of everything that passes their lips from scratch to the packing and preparing to move cross-country, to the emotional toll a child who won't let you leave his sight without thrusting himself on the floor in a screaming fit takes on someone, I am just so done.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown almost every minute of every day. Watching my kids suffer and being completely helpless is just too much. And I am, I am helpless. At this point I feel confident in saying I have done every last thing there is to do. There's no option left for us. We are just (barely) surviving in this state of misery, tears, sleepless night after sleepless night. Bloody skin is just our new normal. Screaming, scratching fits are just our new normal. Shielding our children from the public is just our new normal. I'm so scared to move them to a new place with new people who don't know our history or understand my children's disease.

What do you do for a child who can eat two foods? How do we do this? How have the mothers before me done this?

WHAT IS THIS NEW FOOD ALLERGY PHENOMENON AND WHY DO MY CHILDREN HAVE TO BE AFFLICTED? WHAT HAVE WE DONE TO OUR WORLD THAT OUR CHILDREN ARE BECOMING SO SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO THINGS AS BASIC TO OUR SURVIVAL AS FOOD?

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